Big Friendship, How We Keep Each Other Close.
By: Aminatou Sou and Ann Friedman
My review on Big Friendship was one of my most anticipated reviews, but also my hardest. This book touches on friendship in a way that most people don’t talk about. In fact, they even state how friendships aren’t studied as much as relationships and how flawed this is. Because friendships are typically longer and sometimes more personal than a boyfriend or girlfriend. They’re there through the hook-ups, mess-ups, break-ups, and the clean-ups. They see you when you ugly cry over a terrible ex-boyfriend (they hate them too!) and when you’re giddy after a great first date.
Great friends become your chosen family. (“Chosen Family was first studied by the anthropologist Kath Weston, who was researching kinship in the gay and lesbian communties in San Francisco in the 1980’s” pg. 52) and this book brings to light just what it takes to have a big friendship, but also how to make it last.
Upon reading the synopsis of this book,
I gave myself the impression it was a fiction novel about 2 friends trying thier hardest to rekindle a friendship on a spa getaway. A novel heavily based on a real friendship. Why did I think this? I have no idea. Maybe I was tired when I read it, or maybe I read what I needed to beleive. Because I’m not a big [auto]biography reader so I never would have read this otherwise. But this is the book I needed to read. I needed this book for the acknowledgement and closure of past (and present) relationships. This book helped me come to terms with the simple fact: Not all friendships are meant to be Big.
The book begins with the background of their friendship.
How did Aminatou and Ann meet? and what made them “click”. Mostly, there is no simple answer to this. Sometimes people just become your people. But that’s the best part of friendship, it’s not forced, or predetermined by blood. You choose who you want to surround yourself with, and you chose how you treat and react to those people.
Soon after, Aminatou and Ann created The Shine Theory
Holy bananas. How have I never heard of this AMAZING theory; this way of life before?!? I love everything about it. The ladies say the ‘Shine theory’ is an operating principle in their friendship. but, in reality, it should be in any friendship. The “theory” is the concept that you can’t shine as bright as you can without each other. As friends, especially women, you need to have each other’s backs. We need to stop competing against each other for a place in a man’s world, but to work together. Make each other shine and you can light up the world; light your own spark, and you can only see in front of you. In fact, this theory blew up so much that it can be seen being used by celebs and politicians alike….but you’ll have to read the book for more deets!
Getting social
Aminatou and Ann also touch base on social media and how it can hinder a relationship, sometimes more than help it. Aminatou and Ann have a podcast together. Thousands of people literally listen to the two of them catch up each week. But the raw truth was, they stopped talking about the real, personal stuff, and started talking solely for an audience.
And quite frankly, we’re all guilty of this. “But you don’t have to start a podcast with your friend in order to experience a disconnect between how easy a friendship looks on the outside and how complicated it actually is. All you need is a social media account.” (144) We act like we have so many friends and know all about their lives because “I saw it on Facebook!” but the harsh reality is, this social connection is making us socially disconnected.
Gone are the days we give a friend a quick call to update each other on what’s going on in life. Now we just pull open our app and silently check in…until eventually, we’re only seeing what they want us to see and we have no idea what’s really going on under the surface. It’s important to note that a lot of friendships, big and small, also wouldn’t be able to survive without the internet either-long distance relationships aren’t just for couples! Social media isn’t all bad, but it is something that needs to be recognized as a flaw in the structure of big friendships.
“We want to publically or semi-publically document our happy moments with friends because life is full of awful things, and it feels good to be able to scroll backward and see a highlight reel of the good stuff too”
p9. 149
In the end,
This book was chock full with realizations of friendships and life. There were more than a few times that I stopped reading just to reflect. It made me realize that maybe all the times I thought I was doing the right thing in a friendship that maybe I wasn’t. But we’re not perfect. None of us are. And that’s where stretching comes in. The ladies go into depth about how stretching in a friendship goes both ways. And sometimes, friendships don’t become or stop being a big friendship because someone stops stretching.
The truth is, friendship is a game of balance. And it’s not always even. But to make a friendship big, you have to be willing to stretch a little more sometimes, and vice versa. When your friend is struggling, you lift her up. You shine theory the F out of her. Because she needs you. And when life has you in the depths, it’s normal to expect the same. If you’re not willing to work together and stretch a little harder sometimes, then your friendship won’t grow to be a big friendship.
Aminatou and Ann make the obvious clear. Not every friendship is the same, and not every method will work on every friendship.
This book hit home.
It struck a cord in my heart that I didn’t even know still existed. It forced me to acknowledge friendships that have ended in my life, some that I thought were too strong, filled with too much history, to fail. I spent a good amount of time reflecting on the situations that had brought my life and my relationships to where they are now. Did I stretch enough for them? Did I walk away to soon, or too immaturely? I can now say no. I can say that our friendship, though it was big at some time, was no longer a big friendship. And that’s okay. Because it’s important to grow from broken friendships and scarred history. You grow. You learn.
And I know, that no matter where these friends were in my walk of life, or where they are currently, I hold no ill will. I wish nothing but the best for them and their futures, But I now also can acknowledge that our friendship was broken, unstretched, and slowly tearing for a while. Our friendship was a chapter in a longer story for both of us, and that doesn’t mean we have to stop caring for each other, stop making each other shine…just now we do it from a distance.
This book also showed me how much my big friendships mean to me.
And how much I don’t want to lose them. I may not have a podcast with my best friend, but our conversations would definitely entertain a few and the feelings and support we have for each other are real. I never want to lose that. She has stretched further for me than I probably have ever deserved, she has made me shine brighter, and made me a better friend. I can only hope that she feels how much I love her and how much she means to me. (I swear, we’re actually not sappy people at all).
This book is the raw and real emotional rollercoaster of friendships that people don’t talk about.
We, as people, forget to realize that these big friendships are the core of who we are, and who we’ve become. Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman provide insights about big friendships (along with some psychological facts) that you never thought you needed to hear. They acknowledge the fact that any friendship, no matter how big, always has the potential to fail if you stop trying and how you can prevent it from doing exactly that.
As much as this book pulled on my heartstrings, I can’t give it a full five stars.
The book was very well written and flowed fantastically. However, some of the chapters seemed to go on forever, and sometimes I felt like I was reading a psychological journal rather than a bantered biography about two women and their growing friendship. However, if you’re looking for a book to help you grow as both a friend and an independent, I recommend you snuggle up and dive headfirst into this book. These women know a thing about big friendship, and you should too.
Overall Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 4.5 Stars
‘Till next time book nerds, XX
For another woman empowering novel, Check out my review on One To Watch.
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